Discovering Becks

Last weekend it was my birthday. There was no wild party, no meals out at restaurants, just a weekend at home with my mum and the two cats. I spent most of it mooching around the house in my pyjamas, only leaving the house to buy ingredients for dinner. We made pizzas from scratch, drunk wine and prosecco, ate all the cake and watched trashy films on Netflix. There was cat cuddles and heartfelt chats.

It was quiet, very lazy and perfect.

Now I'm fully aware that this makes me sound like a grumpy old cat lady. In a lot of ways that's true (cat's are totes better than people, don't try and deny it) but for once it was really good to just spend a couple of days doing nothing. Just to stop and catch my breath for a brief moment.  Although I did feel guilty for skipping my long run #maranoia

May has mostly been stressful and taken it's toll on me mentally. Don't get me wrong, there have been some moments that have made me so so happy but mostly I've found myself trapped in negative thought cycles fuelled by the uncertainty of the future. I'm tired, run down and lacking motivation in all parts of my life. I haven't trained as much as I would have liked to and my diet has mostly consisted of chocolate (oh you velvety comforting goodness you). Going home allowed me to reassess things a little bit, vent some of my concerns and brainstorm some options. The uncertainty is still there, most of my questions still don't have answers, but if I sit here and wallow in it nothing is going to get done and my confidence and motivation are just going to plummet further.

So how am I going to tackle this? I think birthdays are kind of a bit like New Year. They give you an opportunity to reassess things and start a fresh. So, what would I like to achieve by my next birthday?

1) Submit my PhD thesis. While I still have no idea what to do career wise once I have submitted my thesis I just want my PhD to be over now. So time to stop procrastinating, knuckle down and churn out some chapters.

2) Have done, or at least have booked and paid for, Yoga Teacher Training. I love yoga. It makes me happy. I said I would complete YTT once I managed to get pincha, and while my pincha isn't the most solid or reliable, I can still do it. So time to bite the bullet and just get on with it

3) Read 6 books. When I was a kid and a teenager I would always be reading. I loved books. I still do love books but reading has fallen by the wayside in favour of falling asleep watching Netflix. When I read before bed I go to bed earlier and I sleep much better. It's a win win really.

4) Cook 10 of the recipes I have pinned to my 'Food Ideas' Pinterest Board. Like my reading, my time spent in the kitchen cooking is far less than I'd like it to be. I need to step away from the avocado on toast, spinach and baby plum tomato quick and easy meal combo and switch things up a bit. Avocado, why you so nommy?

5) Get a new running PB. It's been a long time since I got a PB across any distance of running, I think the last one was the Brighton Marathon 2015. I'd love to get a PB in Berlin, but I haven't hit a new PB for a 10K in about 18 months, so maybe that's a bit more achievable?

6) Do a roll up on silks. Don't ask me why or where the idea came from but I really want to be able to do roll ups on silks. My first attempts are shocking, my body has no idea what to do. But I want to keep working on it and nail it.

7) Do more of what makes me happy and spend less time being fearful and caring what people think.  A lot of this goes back to my previous post on fear. I need to spend less time trying to please other people, worrying what they think while I think I'm not good enough. Sign up for that triathlon, go travelling, say no and spend those evenings in by yourself but make commitments to spend quality time with the people you love, get a cat (or five). Just do whatever. If something captures my interest I want to start saying yes more and actually doing those things instead of coming up with a million reasons why not.

If I only manage one of these goals then so be it, it doesn't matter. I just hope this time next year I'm happy and healthy and have created a tonne of fun memories in the process.

Last week I found out that I'd won a place in the ballot for the Ride London-Surrey 46 mile cycle event at the end of July. Approximately half an hour after turning down the internship I was supposed to be doing over the summer. This morning I bit the bullet and paid my entry fee.

Within 10 minutes I had a mild panic about being able to ride 46 miles in under 4 hours. Standard.

I'd entered the ballot on a bit of a whim, thinking 1) I probably wouldn't get in and 2) that even if I did I'd be doing an internship abroad and wouldn't be able to take part anyway. Since getting my trusty hybrid about a year ago I've discovered that cycling is something that I really enjoy. Even in the depths of winter where there didn't seem to be enough layers I could put on to keep me warm! I've also found there's something strangely comforting about cycling home in the pouring rain and then being able to snuggle up in a cosy set of pyjamas while munching on warm avocado on toast and stewed apples with almond butter... Or is that just me?

I've been thinking about stepping outside the comfort of my (almost) daily half hour cycle to and from the train station. I think a part of me wanted a new challenge, probably caused by the over excitable Tigger in my head that seems oddly attracted to doing anything long distance. Thoughts of getting a road bike have crossed my mind too many times. What's that n + 1 rule about bikes again?

So I guess this is my new challenge. I might not make the cut off time. I might not be able to cycle up the hills. I might come last. I'm just going to go out and see what happens. It'll be a welcome change of focus between running the Coniston marathon and starting up training for the Berlin marathon. Plus it gives me an excuse to go out and get that shiny road bike.

Ride London-Surrey 46, I'm coming for you.

You know when you never truly realise how much something has been affecting you until it all comes tumbling out. You know that your sleep has been a bit off, you find yourself reaching for the chocolate a bit more than usual or getting more anxious than normal when your day doesn't quite go the way you planned it to. But nah, everything's fine, nothing to see here, la la la.

Hi.

My name is Becks and I guess 2016 is turning into a bit of an 'Eat. Pray. Love.' year for me.
I'm coming to the end of my PhD and beginning to make the big transition into the real world of work.
I'm finding out that it's quite fun being single and I'm learning a hell of a lot about myself in the process.
I'm discovering who and what makes me truly happy and trying not to be afraid of saying yes to new things.
I'm trying to let go of some of my neurotic control issues and build some self-confidence (this one is definitely a work in progress!)

I've contemplated starting a blog for a while. Creating a place to document my adventures, discoveries, personal goals and thought ramblings. This weekend I finally decided on a name for my little space on the internet, and Discovering Becks was born. I'm not quite sure where this will go but it'll probably involve a lot about running, yoga, circus, quite a few rants and lots of randomness.