Discovering Becks

To be honest it's been kind of nice to have a month where training didn't matter so much. I'm feeling excited about RideLondon, training for Berlin and I've even got my thesis writing mojo in check at the moment. The next 12 weeks are going to require some serious organisation, discipline and balance but mentally I'm in a good place to tackle it and at the end of the day it's all just about having fun. 

Then bam! You suddenly find yourself in floods of tears, words coming out of your mouth that you're not quite sure where they've come from, and suddenly all these thoughts and feelings that you'd managed to suppress for days, weeks, months just come bursting out of you like water through a broken dam. WTF? 

So lets give you a bit of a back story. Half way through my PhD I realised I didn't want to stay in academia like I'd planned but had no idea what else I wanted to do for a career when I finished. Every now and again I'd panic about it but I essentially had time to 'figure things out' i.e. ignore the situation. At the beginning of the year I was forwarded an advert for an industrial summer internship in America. It meant I could visit and hopefully do a bit of travelling in the states, the pay was good,  and most importantly it would give me a chance to see how science worked in industry and whether it was something I might enjoy. Sounded like the perfect opportunity. So when I was offered the internship I said yes, even if it meant not being able to run the ultra marathon I was excited for and had already entered for the summer (but that's a story for another time). 

Last week, after almost 3 months of delays with visas, relocating the project to Europe, having a start date but no other info and generally just not knowing if I was coming or going, I pulled out. I was disappointed it didn't seem like it was going to work out but I could have sworn my shoulders dropped about 3 inches after I sent that email. Then the counter emails, phone calls and voicemail messages telling me it was a brilliant opportunity and asking me to reconsider happened....

Turns out I'm pretty bloody terrified. 

What if I'd just turned down this big opportunity to find out what I want to do when my PhD is over? I know I'd been left hanging up if they offered me a chance to go later on, in say September/October instead maybe I should do that? But if I did that then would I have enough time to write up my thesis and be finished by the end of my writing up year? I'm going to need to get a job while I'm writing up, how else will I afford to live? What if I hate my job as much as I've hated my PhD? I don't want to write up, I don't know anything and I'm just a fraud. How can I even write a thesis if I don't know anything, let alone pass my viva? I hate what I'm researching, I wish I'd never done this PhD. I've essentially wasted 8 years of my life and put myself in huge amounts of student debt to get a degree and PhD and want to walk away from it completely. If I do that then I'm just disappointing everyone that's ever supported me throughout..... 

The list goes on. (I know, right...)

I rarely rush head first into things, always trying to make the most informed choice. At least that's what I tell myself. Actually it's just fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear telling me I'm not good enough, not strong enough, that I'll say the wrong thing or I'll get hurt. Fear holds me back. All. The. Time. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's good to have a little bit of fear, to stop confidence becoming overconfidence, keep things in check and stop you going completely off the rails. But this much fear? Fear that means I don't sleep at night because I'm scared I'm doing the wrong thing. Fear that stops me trying new things because I might get hurt or it might not work out. Fear that makes me quiet and afraid to spark up conversation with new people that could lead to amazing friendships. This is the fear that holds me back, stops me meeting people, prevents me from going on adventures, and point blank refuses to let me be the best version of me that I can be. 

We blossom and grow when we move out of our comfort zones and push ourselves to do things that we might never have dreamed we could. So fear can you please go and do one for a little while. I'm worthy of more than you're letting right now. So much more.